Seminar in Canada August 4 – 11, 2018

Last week at our Canadian gathering I had the opportunity to grow that part of myself that is strong, still, steady and ever-present. My signal to myself, to go back to that place of stillness at any moment, is to smile, breathe, and connect my feet to the ground. This brings me back to that place on the bar, where your only concern becomes the steps you take and your intention and everything else blurs.

After three days of practices to develop our chosen qualities and build our inner charisma, I left the group feeling inspired to apply what I learned back into my life.

In some ways, it was a rocky transition back home in Vermont. It took me a few days to get my energy back and catch up on lost sleep. I jumped back into work, horse care and motherhood right away. But now that the dust has settled I can feel how things within have changed significantly in small ways.

During the practices, the one quality that I needed, that connected all of the other qualities, I found in the word “containment”. In the past, I’ve had the tendency to scatter my energy in many directions. Walking the bar I realized this tendency is attached to a lack of confidence and inner strength, overambition, over-nurturing others at the expense of myself, and being too apologetic. My goal was to work on containing my own energy and light so that I can be at a more grounded, stable solid place to be a leader for others. I need strong self-leadership before I can be an effective leader to others.

My signal to my soul to return to that place of containment and inner strength is to
1. Smile
2. Feel my feet on the ground.
3. Take 1-3 deep breaths
This connects me back to my time on the bar and the inner stillness I found there, helps me remember to go back to that core place, and not to let other desires or other situations, or peoples’ emotions govern my behavior or my fear responses in my body.

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Lessons with Horses
Leading Energy First

Last Saturday, Grace, Nani and I stood in the paddock with our horses. The goal of this exercise was to lead your horse to a chosen spot, halt, and return, all in a relaxed, fluid, rhythmic way. There are a few basic guidelines, like don’t pull on the horse’s face, the horse must halt behind you, and don’t forget the release. The release is the horse’s reward for doing a good job. It’s not a treat or a praise, but simply taking about 10 seconds of breathing and relaxing where there is no pressure and she is not asked to do anything.

Leading the horse with a halter and rope may seem like a very basic exercise but it is a building block of everything else you will ask the horse to do, and the connection you make here forms the foundation of how the rest of the session will go that day. Breaking down the steps of leading into the smallest details helps you perfect every movement, connect in with the rhythm of the horse, and also helps you figure out how to teach it to others.

A horse will only follow the strongest leader, whether that be a human, another horse, or their own instinct. Horses are mostly nonverbal, and communicate primarily with energy and body language. Grace explains how it is the energy and intention behind each movement that affects how the horse moves.

So, I start walking with Beauty to a chosen spot near the fence about twenty feet away. In my mind I’m thinking, this will be too easy! I have led Beauty countless times. At first, I had trouble getting and keeping Beauty’s attention. Her head was waving around as she looked out for potential dangers for her herd- the distant smell of a wild animal, the neighbor’s echoing voices through the trees, a gust of wind. At the fence she halted but did not relax (signaled by a lowered head, a deep sigh or licking and chewing.) As I turned to walk back to the start, I invited her to join me by turning towards her and lowering my hip. She was not paying any attention and wanted to go the opposite way. Eventually, we made it back awkwardly in a half circle.

What went wrong? My feedback from Nani and Grace was that my energy seemed too dispersed, and I was too focused on the horse at the expense of myself. This was true. Even though it might have looked like I was leading Beauty, she was leading me. In my ambition to get Beauty to move perfectly in a certain way, I had become completely focused on what she was doing wrong that I forgot how much our lack of connection was influencing her behavior. This was a good reminder that true leadership comes from within, not from trying to change others.

So, we tried again. I took several deep breaths and connected to my core energy. I glanced softly at Beauty’s eyes and visualized our goal- to walk across the paddock, gently, smoothly, together and in rhythm there and back. I felt the warmth of connection rise within me and I felt the energy of Beauty fuse with mine. This must be what horse trainers mean when they talk about “getting the feel” of the horse.

As I lowered my hip to invite her forward, she responded immediately, and we walked to the fence and halted so naturally it seemed effortless. She was mostly focused on me, not on other distractions, and her head was down and relaxed. She was happy to follow me as a more confident and grounded leader. What a difference a little conscious connection can make!

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Lessons in Motherhood
Staying calm and centered amid turmoil

I must say it seems easier for me to work with horses than children, but my five year old daughter gives me plenty of opportunities to practice easy-handling and strong leadership. A big part of my practice with her right now is to be caring, but not over caring…to give her as much independence as is healthy and that she wants, but also keep my own healthy boundaries and not forgetting about my needs.

Much like leading the horse, if I am only focused on her and her needs, then there is no leadership, and after awhile she becomes confused or upset and I become tired or overwhelmed. The leadership skills I’m building with her are emanating care and compassion and not only reacting to her immediate concerns, but seeing the big picture and getting her to grasp that in small ways.

For example, a typical situation is when Isabel asked me to find her pink poodle stuffed animal while I’m in the middle of washing the dishes. She starts yelling and crying because I won’t drop everything to help her and she misses her animal. So I explain to her that my hands are dirty and I want to finish my project first, cleaning the sinkload of dishes, before I can help her. Because it feels good to finish even a small project, and a clean sink is nice to have. I smile, ground myself to the earth, take a breath and tried to keep calm through her tears.

The real issue is that I was spending time with the dishes and not her. My normal response has been to drop everything and start searching for pink poodle. When she was a baby, and started crying in her loud and piercing way, I would almost always drop everything for her and give her my breast, or change her diaper. Now there’s a necessary shift that we’re both learning to navigate, but I have to take the lead and stay centered, smile, breathe, feel my feet on the ground, before I act. That is my daily practice, we’ll see how it goes!